🏆 On the Jack – Blog #19

The Art of the Measuring

If there is one moment guaranteed to hush even the chattiest of bowlers, it is the sight of the measuring tape being summoned to the green. Conversations stall. Spectators lean in. Skips adopt the expression of poker champions guarding a royal flush. Yes, dear readers — it is measuring time.

For newcomers, this is bowls’ answer to VAR in football or Hawk-Eye in tennis — minus the high-tech cameras, slow-motion replays, and dramatic graphics. Instead, we have two players crouched over the green, one trusty measure, and at least four others offering “helpful” advice from a respectful three paces back.

📜 A Brief History of Measuring

The measuring tape has long been the bowls’ great equaliser. In the early days, bowlers simply dropped to their knees and eyeballed the situation — a method that led to heated debates, fractured friendships, and the occasional overturned tea tray in the clubhouse.

Eventually, someone had the bright idea to invent a tool to settle matters fairly. Though judging by the animated discussions10 we still witness today, “fairly” remains a flexible term.

🤫 Measuring Etiquette

The unspoken rule of measuring is simple: do not breathe too heavily while the measurer is concentrating. One sigh, sneeze, or ill-timed “Ooh, that looks close” can send the measurer’s hand wobbling like a jelly in a heatwave.

Best practice? Stand back, cross your arms sagely, and nod as though you had already calculated the outcome in your head.

And should your side win the measure, remember: a subtle smile is acceptable. A victory jig or a triumphant “Told you so!” is not.

🧠 The Great Myth

There is a persistent myth in bowls circles that certain measurers can “bend” the tape in their favour through sheer willpower. Unproven, of course — but if you have ever lost a close end by a whisker, it is oddly comforting to blame telekinesis rather than your own slightly wayward delivery.

🎯 Bowls Tip of the Week

Always carry a cloth. If called to measure, it is the perfect excuse to lay it neatly on the grass — avoiding damp knees and buying yourself a few extra seconds to steady those hands.

☕ Clubhouse Chatter

Sometimes, more time is spent measuring than bowling — but spirits stay high, fuelled by biscuits, lemon drizzle cake, and bottomless tea.

🎭 Green Dreams & Measuring Nightmares

If anything can turn a peaceful game of bowls into a Shakespearean drama, it is the measure. Ah yes — the tape, the callipers, the trusty old stick that has seen more arguments than a pub quiz tiebreaker.

Every bowler knows the moment: two bowls sit just a whisker from the jack. From one angle, your team’s bowl is clearly closer. From another, your opponent’s is practically kissing the jack like long-lost cousins.

Then comes the solemn walk of the measurer — head down, shoulders back, carrying the weight of responsibility usually reserved for bomb disposal experts. The crowd gathers, squinting, whispering tactical prayers, hands on hips.

Etiquette says we must remain silent. Reality says:

•           “I think that’s ours, don’t you?”

•           “No, no — theirs is definitely closer by the width of a hair.”

•           “Whose hair?”

And when the verdict is finally delivered, the losing side responds with a smile that could curdle milk, followed swiftly by the immortal line:

“Well, it looked closer from my side…”

🧵 Final Thought

To new bowlers: never question the measurer once they have spoken. It is like arguing with the umpire at Wimbledon — you will lose friends faster than you lose matches.

So next time the tape comes out, remember it’s not life or death.

It’s far more serious than that — it’s bowls.

— Norman Deegan

THIS WEEK ON THE GREEN – Club News and Activities

🗞️ Marine Gardens Bowling Club Weekly Report

Week Ending Sunday, 24th August 2025
By Alan Paterson, Press Officer

🎯 WSBL Finale – A Nail-Biter at Home
In our final WSBL fixture of the season, Marine Gardens secured 4 crucial points against Crablands in a tense home encounter. With the rinks split 2–2, Crablands edged the overall scoreline 60–54, claiming the bonus points and leaving our fate in the relegation battle hanging on results elsewhere.

🏆 Top Rink Honours
Congratulations to Leon White, Trevor Punnett, Duncan Gayler, and Graham Poole, who delivered a commanding 21–12 victory—an impressive finish to the campaign.

🥣 Horsham Centenary Bowl – A Tough Outing
The second leg of the Centenary Bowl was held at Horsham, where the hosts built on their 6-shot first leg advantage by sweeping all five rinks and adding a further 18 shots to their tally. The Bowl remains in Horsham for another year, but the fixture continues to be a highlight thanks to the warm hospitality and sportsmanship shown by our friends at Horsham.

🌞 Club Finals – Three Days of Sunshine and Skill
The week culminated in our eagerly awaited Club Finals, played over three glorious days. The standard of play was superb, and the camaraderie even better. Here’s our Roll of Honour:
Competition - Winner
100-Up - Rod Smith
2-Wood Singles - Bob Cole
Veterans - Ivan Godsmark
Junior Cup - David Barlow
Stan Wheeler Cup - Perry Cairns
Handicap Singles - James Albon
Handicap Pairs - David Smart - Gerry Perch
Mixed Pairs - Pamela Chambers - Ivan Godsmark
Ladies Pairs - Anne Knight - Betty Stevenson
Men’s Pairs - David Barlow - Perry Cairns
Ladies Singles - Angela Neale
Men’s Singles - David Barlow

🌟 Special Recognition
Following the presentations, Club President Norman Deegan awarded the Noel Stevenson Memorial Cup for Most Improved Newcomer to Patsy Nicholson—a well-deserved honour for a rising star in our ranks.

👏 Final Thanks
A heartfelt thank you from the President to all competitors, our club competition secretaries, volunteers, and supporters who made this year’s Finals such a resounding success. Your enthusiasm and dedication continue to define the spirit of Marine Gardens.